Sunday, May 1, 2011

It's been a while...

I haven't missed counting points.  I haven't missed following a strict weekly eating plan.  I haven't missed disallowing certain foods.  I haven't missed stepping on the scale.  I haven't missed obssessing about food, eating, and weight.

I haven't missed the regular weight-loss/gain postings, that's for sure.  I haven't missed the challenges.  And quite honestly, I haven't even missed all the positive, encouraging, "You can DO it!" comments from well-meaning Internet strangers and friends, either.

The past almost-year since my last post here has been very freeing in some ways.  I've loved not spending every waking minute thinking about food, planning meals, counting points, fretting about how to lose the extra weight from a binge night or two, and being disappointed when I stepped on the scale.

But I have missed being lighter.

Today, I weigh 170.8.  I am 12 lbs heavier than I was at the end of last August (roughly when I posted last) and almost 16 lbs heavier than I was exactly a year ago.

Obviously, this TOTAL FREEDOM thing isn't such a great idea.  Of course, maybe that's because it might have been more appropriately called RECKLESS ABANDON...

I just wish I could find a balance between being conscientious about my food choices, and my eating and exercise habits, without feeling like that's ALL I think about.  I have been saying this for years ~ to the point that I'm sick and tired of saying it and hearing myself say it ~ but whatever I do needs to feel natural in order to become a habit.  All these counting, figuring, and abstinence plans are not NATURAL.  They work, but none of the programs and systems I've tried so far, no matter how successful they might have been, were just not something I wanted to have to adhere to for the rest of my life.

So, all this to say, I guess I'm back at square one.  This month will be about trying to start some habits (AGAIN) that feel good, feel natural, will be good FOR me, and that I can see myself sticking with for a lifetime.

Sure.  No problem, right??




6 comments:

penguinsandladybugs said...

Oh yeah, I sure hear ya! I did a diet a couple months back....lost 9 pounds in 6 weeks. Gained 5 back in 1 week. I joined WW, went one week, then cancelled my membership (having wasted money b/c I paid for a month). Grr..... I just can't do this.

But, I agree with you on some things here. I'm currently reading Intuitive Eating....and I am liking the philosophy. It is a little like some of Geneen Roth's stuff if you know her....but it's organization of things makes so much sense to me. You might find the same insight...it's not a diet at all....it's about making peace with food (not obsessing over it being in the house, etc.) and listening to your body....

Mel said...

That balance is SUCH a hard thing! I hope you can find what works for you. Welcome to the challenge. :)

Trish said...

I agree with Mel. It is so hard. And to be honest I was nodding while reading you blog post. I have had those same feelings at times. Good luck with this challenge.

AnnG said...

Finding the balance so that you can live life without constantly "thinking" about what you are doing is the key to this journey! I hope you find it during this month!

Andrea said...

It's such a fine line, hey? Between obsessing about it and letting it all fall by the wayside. Where is that happy medium?? If you ever find it, let me know!!

Brooke said...

you know i'm right there with you. there is something that we're missing. some way to pursue this. we need to ask God for the wisdom to pursue healthiness without making it a god.